A play-by-play commentary of the MTV Video Music Awards with special guest Allie Polatin and Julia Jones
1) John Norris is a hideous, old man beast. What is he wearing? A purple sleeveless graffitti shirt with Miami Vice sunglasses? Take a note from Kurt Loder and have some frickin' class.
2) I desperately want to lay that guy from "My Chemical Romance" because he looks like a young, nubile Billy Corgan. Exactly in fact like a young, nubile Billy Corgan. See photo here.
AP: I hate video art. Did you know in "Lepruchan 5: Lepruchan in the Hood" there are zombie fly girls? That's my idea of video art.
AP: P. Diddy is so awesome. Wait, it's not p diddy anymore is it? It's just Diddy.
JJ: Is Diddy dancing? Oh my gosh, he's got moves. Wait, now he's dancing like an old man.
[pause]
JJ:Wait, does R&B stand for rap ballads?
MJ: No Julia, Rhythm and Blues.
[pause]
JJ: Wait, Mary, are you sure?
3) Kelly Clarkson has like the smallest breasts ever. And Alicia Keys is in the running. Jeez ladies, I love you, but wow.
4)Jessica Alba needs to stop talking and just smile, because whenever she talks I just hate her, and whenever she just stands there, I want to brush her hair
5) My love for Shaikira has been reborn. She is glowing like the gorgeous, tight-abed angel she is. More belly dancing, I demand it!
JJ: I hope you make me sound like a really big idiot with that rap ballad comment, Mary.
6) You guys know that Suge night got shot before the show?
AP: What?
MJ: yeah, at Kanye wests pre-party.
AP: You know, Spencer's sister got hit on by Suge Knight once. They were in Malibu, at some grocery store. SHe was 17 at the time, and it was Halloween. Spencer's sister sees him, and is all "Hey, let's talk to her" and Spencer was like, "I don't think that's a good idea" but she walks over to Suge and is all, "Oh my gosh, I'm such a fan" and he's all, "hey baby, I'm having a party tonight". Then he gave her like, a hundred bucks.
7) Am I missing the "celebrity fit club" finale? I hope not.
8) How big are beyonce's earrings? They're like horse shoes, which are in fact never sexy
9) Missie Elliot is all lips and bones
10) My hatred of R. Kelley knows no bounds. Who is still buying this retard's records?[Julia starts singing "Ignition" to annoy me]. Why are we watching R. Kelley lip sync and reenact his own video on stage?
[10 minutes later] JJ: How much longer is this R Kelly going to go on? Ah man, I just spilled Pepsi on my face.
AP: I'm writing a letter to Pierce Brosnan for the film festival
MJ: If you ever have a chance to write to Enrique Iglesias, will you ask him if he's ever eaten at a Mexican restaurant in Provo?
JJ: And if you ever write to Orlando Bloom, will you you ask him if he was ever at a movie theater in Dallas and waved at a red-headed girl in the rain, because I swear it was him
AP: And if both of you guys ever write to Mark Hamil, ask him if he remembers talking to a belligerent, hung-over 15 year old, because I'm sorry
11) Sean Combs is a lovely man, but the way his mouth hangs open, its like Biz Markee--just some big dumb animal
12) If I may speak for the discerning ladies of taste: Less Usher! More Ludicrious!
13) Eat a sandwich Hilary Duff! You look like a scarcrow with horse teeth. And Lindsey Lohan, that's the ugliest dress I've ever seen. You crazy, g.
14) Ok, I really want to sleep with the lead singer of the killers, even though y'all are haters and prolly think I'm all ghastly for liking such a sellout band. But hey, he's Mormon, so I can make this conquest a reality.
15) Lil Kim! And Jeremy Piven! She's so tiny and it breaks my heart she's going to prison
AP: Hey Mary it's your friend
MJ: Oh yeah, my friend. We tight. We vacationed in Prague together
16) Ludicrous won for "Number One Spot"! There is justice in the world! Ludicrious is hotter than Nevada!
17) Hearing Butthead use the word "Sterquilinus" has reaffirmed my love of all things Mike Judge
18) Are we still on Notorious BIG? Diddy, man, let it go.
19) AH, Fall Out Boy won an award. Here's to Chicago bands. I didn't think they'd make it to MTV, much less the VMA's. That lead singer is dead ugly, though.
20) Fergie used to be on one of my favorite shows when I was 10--"Kids Incorperated". She's only like 31, and she looks closer to 40. She's been through the ringer, eh?
21) This is too long. Let's go down and have bagels
1) John Norris is a hideous, old man beast. What is he wearing? A purple sleeveless graffitti shirt with Miami Vice sunglasses? Take a note from Kurt Loder and have some frickin' class.
2) I desperately want to lay that guy from "My Chemical Romance" because he looks like a young, nubile Billy Corgan. Exactly in fact like a young, nubile Billy Corgan. See photo here.
AP: I hate video art. Did you know in "Lepruchan 5: Lepruchan in the Hood" there are zombie fly girls? That's my idea of video art.
AP: P. Diddy is so awesome. Wait, it's not p diddy anymore is it? It's just Diddy.
JJ: Is Diddy dancing? Oh my gosh, he's got moves. Wait, now he's dancing like an old man.
[pause]
JJ:Wait, does R&B stand for rap ballads?
MJ: No Julia, Rhythm and Blues.
[pause]
JJ: Wait, Mary, are you sure?
3) Kelly Clarkson has like the smallest breasts ever. And Alicia Keys is in the running. Jeez ladies, I love you, but wow.
4)Jessica Alba needs to stop talking and just smile, because whenever she talks I just hate her, and whenever she just stands there, I want to brush her hair
5) My love for Shaikira has been reborn. She is glowing like the gorgeous, tight-abed angel she is. More belly dancing, I demand it!
JJ: I hope you make me sound like a really big idiot with that rap ballad comment, Mary.
6) You guys know that Suge night got shot before the show?
AP: What?
MJ: yeah, at Kanye wests pre-party.
AP: You know, Spencer's sister got hit on by Suge Knight once. They were in Malibu, at some grocery store. SHe was 17 at the time, and it was Halloween. Spencer's sister sees him, and is all "Hey, let's talk to her" and Spencer was like, "I don't think that's a good idea" but she walks over to Suge and is all, "Oh my gosh, I'm such a fan" and he's all, "hey baby, I'm having a party tonight". Then he gave her like, a hundred bucks.
7) Am I missing the "celebrity fit club" finale? I hope not.
8) How big are beyonce's earrings? They're like horse shoes, which are in fact never sexy
9) Missie Elliot is all lips and bones
10) My hatred of R. Kelley knows no bounds. Who is still buying this retard's records?[Julia starts singing "Ignition" to annoy me]. Why are we watching R. Kelley lip sync and reenact his own video on stage?
[10 minutes later] JJ: How much longer is this R Kelly going to go on? Ah man, I just spilled Pepsi on my face.
AP: I'm writing a letter to Pierce Brosnan for the film festival
MJ: If you ever have a chance to write to Enrique Iglesias, will you ask him if he's ever eaten at a Mexican restaurant in Provo?
JJ: And if you ever write to Orlando Bloom, will you you ask him if he was ever at a movie theater in Dallas and waved at a red-headed girl in the rain, because I swear it was him
AP: And if both of you guys ever write to Mark Hamil, ask him if he remembers talking to a belligerent, hung-over 15 year old, because I'm sorry
11) Sean Combs is a lovely man, but the way his mouth hangs open, its like Biz Markee--just some big dumb animal
12) If I may speak for the discerning ladies of taste: Less Usher! More Ludicrious!
13) Eat a sandwich Hilary Duff! You look like a scarcrow with horse teeth. And Lindsey Lohan, that's the ugliest dress I've ever seen. You crazy, g.
14) Ok, I really want to sleep with the lead singer of the killers, even though y'all are haters and prolly think I'm all ghastly for liking such a sellout band. But hey, he's Mormon, so I can make this conquest a reality.
15) Lil Kim! And Jeremy Piven! She's so tiny and it breaks my heart she's going to prison
AP: Hey Mary it's your friend
MJ: Oh yeah, my friend. We tight. We vacationed in Prague together
16) Ludicrous won for "Number One Spot"! There is justice in the world! Ludicrious is hotter than Nevada!
17) Hearing Butthead use the word "Sterquilinus" has reaffirmed my love of all things Mike Judge
18) Are we still on Notorious BIG? Diddy, man, let it go.
19) AH, Fall Out Boy won an award. Here's to Chicago bands. I didn't think they'd make it to MTV, much less the VMA's. That lead singer is dead ugly, though.
20) Fergie used to be on one of my favorite shows when I was 10--"Kids Incorperated". She's only like 31, and she looks closer to 40. She's been through the ringer, eh?
21) This is too long. Let's go down and have bagels
posted by Mary at
7:33 PM
11 Comments:
MAN THEM BAGELS WAZ GRRROOOOODDD.
By
Julrexasaurus, at 11:37 PM
Fergie looks like a muppet.
Don't hate on Kelly Clarkson for being less than well-endowed. That big-shouldered, small-breasted thing really gets me going. It works for her.
But most of the time, I say bigger is better in that department.
I'm such an asshole.
-t
By
Anonymous, at 11:42 PM
I3eetlebum: capitalistmafia.blogspot.com
I3eetlebum: you are mentioned
Cer Arthur: crazy, I feel so importante
I3eetlebum: hehe
I3eetlebum: well, suge knight got shot, so i did a little storytelling
Cer Arthur: oh, yeah, I just told sam about that
I3eetlebum: what'd she say?
Cer Arthur: she said "poor suge. suge and I were like besties."
I3eetlebum: ahahahahaaha
Cer Arthur: My dad knows Pierce Brosnan
I3eetlebum: i'm putting this conversation on the comments page
Cer Arthur: awesome
By
Anonymous, at 1:45 AM
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
By
laks, at 8:38 AM
i have no boobs. this makes me sad.
By
laks, at 8:39 AM
by the way, have you seen r kellys 'in the closet' music video series? john showed this to me. it will change your life. possibly for the worse.
By
laks, at 8:50 AM
a) I actually am envious of smaller-chested girls, as they look elegant and slender in everything. In the case of Kelly and Alicia is they're like, big girls, a few pounds away from squeezable, but still flat, so I'm a bit confused. But you know, props to Theron and all the lesbians I've talked to that love the look
b)I have seen the whole "trapped in the closet" series, and it made me want to kill R Kelly. In the face
By
Mary, at 9:49 AM
yeah, i mean having no boobs has its benefits. for example i can wear tank tops and not look (too) skanky. but its kind of annoying when you lay down with a guy and suddenly you look like a 4 year old boy.
By
laks, at 11:57 AM
joel says this whole hurricane thing is happening in new orleans because "god hates boobs."
By
Ade1e, at 2:10 PM
tell Joel he f-ing rules.
By
laks, at 9:09 AM
The lead singer of the Killers just got married to his long-time girlfriend. Sorry Jones. But the My Chemical Romance guy...mmmmmmmazing!! Just the right kind of plump.
By
Anne, at 7:54 AM
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